Mixed feelings!

My mind is in a state of confusion. I have been preparing for this deployment for quite a while now. Of course, we all start getting mentally prepared the moment they give us an idea of a time frame, even if it is months or maybe a year away. That last month though, the one where they just get home from Mojave Viper and block leave starts shortly after, your mind goes into overdrive. Your running around like mad trying to make sure you have EVERYTHING in check and if you are anything like me, it has to be perfect.

Today though, nothing feels perfect. I feel unprepared. I feel happy and sad. I feel tired and energized. I feel angry. Very angry and I am not even sure who I am angry with. Well, I guess I am angry with my love except, I am not really angry with him(does that even make sense). I understand this life. I understand his job. I understand that by choosing this job, he is not choosing it over me. It is his passion and his desire. I understand that he must go. That however, does not take my anger away. Understanding does not make this any easier. I am angry that he is leaving. I love him, but I am angry.

And I am confused. After days of asking my love if he has a definate date that he is leaving, he gives me one that I didn't want to hear. It was going to be X days before my birthday. So after thinking long and hard about how I get to add my birthday to the list of all the other holidays he was going to miss, I accepted it (considering sulking and pouting would get me no where this time) and started getting my mind ready. Yesterday though, love comes home with news that should be great. Of course, he has to include the whole this may change again bit, but it looks like they are not leaving until X days after my birthday. I thought that I would be excited. I am VERY happy that I get a few more days with my love, one of those being my birthday, but I had my mind prepared for him to leave before. I just want to scream "Flippin leave already". I obviously don't want him to leave, but the inevitable is gonna happen. I cannot do anything to change it. So, just leave. Get it over with. Let's just start this darn deployment so I can try to get back to some sort of normalcy. I am tired of dancing around the big elephant in the room known as deployment. I know all these emotions are normal. I know that feeling like this is all part of deployment. I however, do NOT like them and I am ready to be regular again. Well, about as regular as a person can feel when they are going to be living 7 mths of their life without their spouse.